Not Much of Your Time

When you’re going through something, like finding it hard to breath, you’re not okay physically or you’re just having a bad day. Funny how another person would say, “Think of something else.”, “Calm yourself.”, when you really can’t think of something else. You can’t get it out of your mind immediately, like it would disappear with a single command. That thought that has been causing you pain and paved the way for you to lose your breath. That feeling of loneliness and the need of someone to talk to, and the urge to cling. Just. For. A. While.

Am I asking for too much?

I am alone, in my apartment room. Watching K-Drama to pass the time. Waiting for someone’s reply. Been waiting the whole afternoon until evening for a reply. I’ve finished two episodes, finished eating, and went to be ready to go to bed and continue watching what I have been watching. The deafening silence of the other boarders, having no idea where they are and what they’re doing, the slight pain of my eyes, yes I’ve been binge-watching the drama, and the constant checking of my phone waiting for that *ting* sound of Messenger. He hasn’t left a message since noon until the evening. What should come in to my mind? I had the idea of him being busy, but a little information of “I’m studying, I’ll talk later.”, or “I love you.”, stealing some one minute of his time can’t delay what he has been doing.

And yes, his classes are done. He finally sent a message. Okay, fine. But why was I disappointed? Maybe because of his message? He only said that? What’s happening to me? Am I too demanding? Am I? After almost an hour, he arrived home. He ate and I waited for us to start the usual evening talk. But to my surprise, he said he’d play since he’ll be very busy for next week. I said, fine but at the back of my mind, go on. Never mind. I supposed to have lots of things to say. That I’m lonely. That I’m sad. That I miss him though we just had lunch earlier that day. So silly of me. And then, my heart started to erupt. It started feeling pain, and I started having short breaths. Here I go again. I told him I’d go to sleep since my heart’s been acting up again. I’ve read his reply an hour after I went online again since I couldn’t sleep because of my heart.

What was I thinking? What made my heart act like that? Well. It’s probably me. My id. Wanting to talk, wanting to crack jokes to him. Wanting him. I have no issue of him playing those games since it’s his only way of relieving stress. But my point is that, please just be so sensitive of me. He told me it also pains him knowing that I’m all alone with no one to talk to. He’s the only one I can talk to at night. But losing his chance to hear what I want to say also pains me. A lot. I want to slap myself for not speaking up. For not telling him right away. But is it wrong if I’m just avoiding a fight? That I’m afraid he might misinterpret what I have been saying? That I’m afraid I couldn’t control my thoughts and say nonsense towards him and he might miss my point?

I’m not asking much of your time. All I want is the sensitivity and the consideration. “Maski kadyot lang.” That is all I ask. I don’t demand much of your time, and from now on, I think I should demand less than I do before. You and I are separate individuals with our own time. Yes, you are my boyfriend and yes, I love you. But I can’t demand much from you yet. You may also have your own thoughts, I bet. You have your goals, I have mine. I’ll support you always and always. I just hope we won’t ever part ways.

Not.

Much.

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BLEPP 2016: A Roller Coaster Ride

WARNING: THIS IS QUITE LENGTHY SINCE I INCLUDED MY WHOOOOOOOOOOLE STORY. 🙂

When a Psych alumnae was about to take the board exam last 2015, she borrowed my Psychological Assessment book by Cohen & Schwerdik. That was the time when I first heard about BLEPP. When the results came out, I was overjoyed knowing that my friend passed and I somehow helped her success. That was the time when I decided I WILL take the BLEPP 2016 and WILL become an RPm like my friend. (Hi Ate Aubrey!)

February 2016 came and we had to give our down payment to the review center we will be attending to. I was with my classmates who will as well be taking the board exam. I remember that was Sunday so I need to rush going there from church. And then I arrived at the venue. I still can remember it was Mam Maerrol who was speaking in front and talked about the achievements of the review center, how successful it was during the previous board exam and others. We even had a drill wherein we answered a 20-item test and shade our answers on a scantron. That was my first encounter of the people in the review center and how things goes around there.

I went to Surigao to have a vacation in my hometown after the graduation before the review classes start. I started researching on the requirements, the possible coverage for the four subjects, and even picturing out myself wearing my Filipiniana on the Oath Taking. (charing!) I was really inspired and excited about the review and the board exam itself. I commended myself knowing that I was one of the brave souls who decided to take this journey out of the others who didn’t because of their reasons.

Then came April 16. The review class started. I belong to Block 2 together with my classmates and I saw some familiar faces. I was expecting an orientation, a “chillin’ first day”. Kasi nga, first day. Who would have thought, mag e-exam kaagad sa Abnormal Psychology? Sir Renz pa talaga. As expected, maliit yung score ko. Since I wasn’t prepared. We. Weren’t. Prepared. But anyway, that was just the first day. Heee!

Since we were given the schedule of what subject we will be focusing for the next meetings, I immediately read Theories of Personality since TOP will be next. The same thing, we had an exam and the lecturer was Mam Yeng Gatchalian. She was really fun to be a lecturer I might develop abdominal muscles sa kakatawa. And then after we checked our papers, I was shocked because I topped the drill. Eh yung iba power of chamba. Right there and then, I was even more motivated to go to class because of my performance.

My performance went from high to low then to high again then low, low, low. It’s going down for real ang peg. But I never gave up. Almost but never did. 🙂 I continued going to class and would get below average to average score. I almost lost my focus. But then, I was praying hard that I would regain my focus because it’s sooo depressing seeing my classmates’ scores from low to average to high and I’m being left behind. My greatest dilemma is that I lack critical and analytical thinking and that is what we should possess since our exam requires a lot of analysis. :/

August 30 – 31 was fast approaching and I was getting nervous. I would pray, read the Scriptures, and even talk to people close to me that I’m getting nervous and I’m afraid considering that there are a number of people who knew that I will be taking the board exam. Nakakapressure kaya! :3

Notice of Admission ready, four pencils, one black ballpen, one eraser ready! Then August 30-31 na! I woke up early, like 3:45. I prayed, shook my entire body and prayed again and nag prepare at nag ayos na. Me and my classmate went together sa venue and we arrived before 6:30. Yes, call time 6:30. And then the exam started at 8:00 or 8:00 something. First subject was Theories of Personality. That was quite tricky, struggle ng konti, then for the afternoon’s subject, Psychological Assessment. I was on the verge of crying while answering until I came out of the examination room. That was so far the most difficult exam I ever took. 150 items? Struggle was real.

For the second day, Abnormal Psychology and Industrial Psychology were the subjects. Struggle as well, but carry lang. I was expecting a low score on Industrial Psych because I didn’t really studied well on that subject. And yes! Board exam was done! Waiting game? ON.

I went home again while waiting for the result. It was said Sept. 3 or Sept. 5. But considering the 7k+ takers, I thought it would be Sept. 5. And yes, the results came out September 5. Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down.

Error 404. I failed the board exam. I sat on our couch looking up the names of my classmates and friends, and yes they passed. Hindi ako bitter. I was happy for them. Hindi pa ako umiiyak that time. I broke down the time when my family went to bed. Masakit. Knowing that there were 6 of us mag classmates who enrolled in the review center and all of them passed, ako lang hindi. I was crying, to the extent that I already find it hard to breathe. What’s more painful is when I saw my rating, I was close enough. 1.4 points and I would pass. What’s even more surprising is that my rating for Abnormal Psych was the highest of all the four subjects. Followed by Indus na hindi ko naman talaga nabasa lahat ng notes. But dalawa lang yan eh. Pass or fail. And I belong to the latter.

Congratulatory posts flooded my news feed, masakit friends. Masakeet. Nonetheless, I congratulated all my friends who passed and they were like, “Okay lang yan… May next time pa.” Ganern, ganyan. Iyak nanaman, hahah!

One week have passed since the result came out. And I can still feel the fresh pain (Rose ng Titanic? hahaha). De, talaga. It still hurts. But then, I need to move forward. May next time pa. Exam lang yan. Who knows? “It’s sweeter the second time around” would be applicable for this case? Hehehe.

God has His reasons. I believe that. Ngayon, naniniwala na ako sa tamang panahon. Everything will fall into place, in God’s time. As my boyfriend’s mom told me, “Failing is not a failure. Standing down is.” True. To all of us who weren’t able to pass the BLEPP 2016, it doesn’t mean we didn’t work hard for this. We did. It’s just that, God has better plans for us. Magtiwala lang tayo sa kanya. Trusting God is important, always.

Do not worry guys! Congratulations parin sa atin. We went this far. Jeremiah 29:11  says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

How sweet! See you sa Oath Taking next year, future RPms! Aja!

 

FAR AND ALONE

You chose to be far. To be independent, depending on ones definition of independent. Lucky enough for those people who have relatives or extremely close people they know for their entire lives that are of the same place as them. But for those who do not?

A typical “me-time” is necessary for those who experience this kind of living. Well, basically, when they get home from work or school, lying wide awake in bed, thinking of many extraordinary things, or just merely blinking can be some kind of a me-time. But being all alone, in a place wherein that someone is surrounded by the nature, absorbing the essence of being alone and the feeling of tranquility is necessary for someone who lives like this; far and alone.

By far and alone I mean,

Living away from home, probably studying or working can make someone feel lonely and would sometimes make someone want to go back home and leave everything behind in just a blink of an eye.

If only… If only.

But you are not literally far and alone. Yes you are far from the people closest to your heart, whom you’ve been together with since your lunchbox days, but you have the people you know since independence started. You have your friends, workmates, local church brothers and sisters, you may even have your boyfriend or girlfriend. You can have them as your confidant, share your thoughts with, bond together with, but carefully choose the people that can be truly trusted. Whom you can share even your darkest secrets.

Lastly, you can choose to be literally far and alone, to be isolated and detached, or you can choose to cope by getting along with others, not thinking that at the end of the day, you will sleep alone in your bed, reflecting how your day went, and meditating what you did today to make you say you’ve been productive?

Think. Look into yourself. Are you literally FAR AND ALONE?