When you’re going through something, like finding it hard to breath, you’re not okay physically or you’re just having a bad day. Funny how another person would say, “Think of something else.”, “Calm yourself.”, when you really can’t think of something else. You can’t get it out of your mind immediately, like it would disappear with a single command. That thought that has been causing you pain and paved the way for you to lose your breath. That feeling of loneliness and the need of someone to talk to, and the urge to cling. Just. For. A. While.
Am I asking for too much?
I am alone, in my apartment room. Watching K-Drama to pass the time. Waiting for someone’s reply. Been waiting the whole afternoon until evening for a reply. I’ve finished two episodes, finished eating, and went to be ready to go to bed and continue watching what I have been watching. The deafening silence of the other boarders, having no idea where they are and what they’re doing, the slight pain of my eyes, yes I’ve been binge-watching the drama, and the constant checking of my phone waiting for that *ting* sound of Messenger. He hasn’t left a message since noon until the evening. What should come in to my mind? I had the idea of him being busy, but a little information of “I’m studying, I’ll talk later.”, or “I love you.”, stealing some one minute of his time can’t delay what he has been doing.
And yes, his classes are done. He finally sent a message. Okay, fine. But why was I disappointed? Maybe because of his message? He only said that? What’s happening to me? Am I too demanding? Am I? After almost an hour, he arrived home. He ate and I waited for us to start the usual evening talk. But to my surprise, he said he’d play since he’ll be very busy for next week. I said, fine but at the back of my mind, go on. Never mind. I supposed to have lots of things to say. That I’m lonely. That I’m sad. That I miss him though we just had lunch earlier that day. So silly of me. And then, my heart started to erupt. It started feeling pain, and I started having short breaths. Here I go again. I told him I’d go to sleep since my heart’s been acting up again. I’ve read his reply an hour after I went online again since I couldn’t sleep because of my heart.
What was I thinking? What made my heart act like that? Well. It’s probably me. My id. Wanting to talk, wanting to crack jokes to him. Wanting him. I have no issue of him playing those games since it’s his only way of relieving stress. But my point is that, please just be so sensitive of me. He told me it also pains him knowing that I’m all alone with no one to talk to. He’s the only one I can talk to at night. But losing his chance to hear what I want to say also pains me. A lot. I want to slap myself for not speaking up. For not telling him right away. But is it wrong if I’m just avoiding a fight? That I’m afraid he might misinterpret what I have been saying? That I’m afraid I couldn’t control my thoughts and say nonsense towards him and he might miss my point?
I’m not asking much of your time. All I want is the sensitivity and the consideration. “Maski kadyot lang.” That is all I ask. I don’t demand much of your time, and from now on, I think I should demand less than I do before. You and I are separate individuals with our own time. Yes, you are my boyfriend and yes, I love you. But I can’t demand much from you yet. You may also have your own thoughts, I bet. You have your goals, I have mine. I’ll support you always and always. I just hope we won’t ever part ways.